Something good that happened to me today: got out early
A compliment I would give myself today: cleared the list
3 positive feelings: craving-less
I made someone else feel good when I: bantered
I had a negative thought about myself: I am chained to my past
A different thought I can have next time: I have and can change
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: set alarm
Something good that happened to me today: slept all day
A compliment I would give myself today: decisive
3 positive feelings: rested, set, relieved
I made someone else feel good when I: reassured
I had a negative thought about myself: there are so many things wrong with me
A different thought I can have next time: there are things that are right with me
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: take medications
Something good that happened to me today: got out early enough to start laundry
A compliment I would give myself today: made a plan
3 positive feelings: decisive, reassured, amused
I made someone else feel good when I: reassured
I had a negative thought about myself: he is upset with me
A different thought I can have next time: he is disappointed at the situation
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: call in sick
Something good that happened to me today: speed dating cancelled
A compliment I would give myself today: expressed interest in another person
3 positive feelings: interesting, interested, amused
I made someone else feel good when I: accommodated scheduling
I had a negative thought about myself: I'm an attention whore
A different thought I can have next time: ask why do I want attention now
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: change bedding
Something good that happened to me today: Sarah reached out
A compliment I would give myself today: said yes to social activities
3 positive feelings: heard, knowledgeable, noticed
I made someone else feel good when I: swiped right
I had a negative thought about myself: I am faking it
A different thought I can have next time: Having one good day doesn't mean at baseline things aren't wrong
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: go to sleep early
Something good that happened to me today: bleeding slowed down
A compliment I would give myself today: resilient
3 positive feelings: supported, heard, thought of
I made someone else feel good when I: stood up for them
I had a negative thought about myself: I am psychosomatic
A different thought I can have next time: At least I know when there's something wrong with me
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: work on presentation
Something good that happened to me today: cuddles
A compliment I would give myself today: did not respond right away
3 positive feelings: ate good food, desired sexually, supported
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented their food
I had a negative thought about myself: I am not a desirable partner
A different thought I can have next time: it's ok not to be a desirable partner
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: get wine
Something good that happened to me today: Florence + the Machine
A compliment I would give myself today: generous
3 positive feelings: awed, belonging, interesting
I made someone else feel good when I: poopoo'd a nay-sayer
I had a negative thought about myself: I am a disappointment
A different thought I can have next time: I have less bandwidth given cancer and attacks and PTSD
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: plan a time
Quit smoking. Settle with Alex and Sarah. Figure out Amadeus more. Decide on Karan. Get more comfortable with sex. Get biopsy results and plan for next steps. Get LEEP asap. Complete midshift. Buy plane tickets for December. Have fun in Seattle. See Tim. See Marie. Hang out with Scott. Train for marathon. See Ferdi. Make sure Elisa gets to yolk sac. Settle on Greek wines. Hang out with Shivani/Emily. Start Crack the Core. Freeze eggs. Submit SIR.
Something good that happened to me today: cuddles
A compliment I would give myself today: open
3 positive feelings: wanted, loving, shared
I made someone else feel good when I: asked for feedback
I had a negative thought about myself: I am thrill seeking
A different thought I can have next time: Or enjoying myself
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: pick non-captivating movie to watch
Something good that happened to me today: confirmed fears
A compliment I would give myself today: read the most pediatric studies of any resident
3 positive feelings: brave, reassured, wanted
I made someone else feel good when I: looped in on results
I had a negative thought about myself: I have cancer
A different thought I can have next time: Don't know yet
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep asap
Something good that happened to me today: allowed to tell people
A compliment I would give myself today: slept well
3 positive feelings: confidence at work, safe with set boundaries, excitement about Tuesday
I made someone else feel good when I: read fast
I had a negative thought about myself: I am scared of being alone
A different thought I can have next time: But I can do it
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep asap
Something good that happened to me today: curtains went up
A compliment I would give myself today: able to sleep during day
3 positive feelings: comforted, satisfaction, rested
I made someone else feel good when I: asked for help
I had a negative thought about myself: I am dirty and attention-seeking
A different thought I can have next time: Don't care about what someone says who isn't important to me anymore
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: eat/prep food and caffeine
Something good that happened to me today: went to comedy show
A compliment I would give myself today: walked through times square without issue
3 positive feelings: amusement, confident, sexy
I made someone else feel good when I: accompanied them
I had a negative thought about myself: I am easy to use
A different thought I can have next time: Won't do it again
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: stay up as late as possible
Something good that happened to me today: got out early
A compliment I would give myself today: stayed on top of the pain medications
3 positive feelings: excitement, passionate, confident
I made someone else feel good when I: reassured about having a boy
I had a negative thought about myself: People think I'm weak
A different thought I can have next time: Can't know what people think
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: stay up as late as possible
Something good that happened to me today: got period
A compliment I would give myself today: learning from my mistakes
3 positive feelings: validated, serenity at the outcome, relief at having made a decision
I made someone else feel good when I: reassured them
I had a negative thought about myself: These are attention-seeking behaviors
A different thought I can have next time: This is me and it's okay to be seen
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: call for meds
Something good that happened to me today: he said it was ok
A compliment I would give myself today: was honest
3 positive feelings: relief
I made someone else feel good when I:
I had a negative thought about myself:
A different thought I can have next time:
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day:
Something good that happened to me today: someone saw me
A compliment I would give myself today: no real panic attack
3 positive feelings: love in a dream, supported by Z, well-rested courtesy of X
I made someone else feel good when I: checked in
I had a negative thought about myself: I will never be myself again
A different thought I can have next time: I've dug myself partly out of this before
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: commit to taking a lyft
Personal (skills, hobbies, personality, health, accomplishments)
Be loud in the house of myself. Be okay being alone. Actually revel in it. Know myself and stand firmly in myself, regardless of what other people say or think. Have cool athletic hobbies and be good at them. Run 50 marathons in 50 states before I die. Quit smoking. Work out more. Don't lose cooking/baking skills. Be strong, physically and mentally. No more panic attacks. Be able to dig myself out when I'm feeling depressed. Be better with plants. Be okay with babies. Freeze eggs this year. Don't ruin teeth. Don't ruin knees. Don't go into anaphylaxis. Don't catch an STI. Drink a lot of water. Don't break out. Learn to dance a formal kind of dance. Educate myself on race. Get better at languages. Keep writing. Keep reading. Travel more. See more of the US. Be patient. Have a clean comfortable safe home. Sleep enough. Be positive. Be happy. Don't cheat or lie. Don't abuse people. Be able to admit when you're wrong and stand by your guns when you're right.
Professional (job, sense of purpose, education, skills, retirement, income)
Pass boards. Keep teaching. Stay involved in diversity initiatives. Support Q Clinic. Make enough money that I can do all the things I want to do. Make enough money that I don't have to work where/when I don't want to. Love what I do. Financially plan to have kids, even if I don't. Be able to travel by working a job that allows me time and money to do so comfortably. Publish. Become an expert at something, even if it's small or local. Work with and for people I like. Feel confident in my abilities. Represent myself and my gender well. Read and negotiate contracts like a man. Take a job where I can be myself. Have loyal clients. Stay in touch with mentors. Have a full professional life without it interfering with my personal or social life (not all eggs in one basket). Be okay not being the best. Mentor people. Climb to the top and have grace for every step of the way. Be patient. Don't let work get me down. Surround myself with people who support my work but who will be honest about it. Don't make less than what I made in publishing. FIRE. Be able to afford a clean comfortable safe home. Be able to take sick days without stressing and be off on long weekends. Don't work night shift.
Social (romantic relationship, friends, family, social activities)
Find a life partner, someone I can be myself around, whom I am attracted to, cherish, and respect. Someone who will encourage me to try new things without putting me down. Someone my family will like and respect. Someone who is honest with me, and with whom I can be honest. Someone with a compatible sex drive. See grandmother before she dies. Don't lose touch with my sister. Be honest with my parents without devastating them. Be a good friend and have good friends. Find people who match my energy. Have a wide and deep group of friends. People I can travel with, chill with. People I won't become bored of. People I don't want to leave behind. People I can be open and honest with. Friends who add, not subtract from my life. Long friendships. Have near daily social engagements when I'm not social at work. Book clubs. Satiated sex drive. Trip. Find fellow readers, runners. Friends who are active but will bring you along for the ride. Lifelong teachers/mentors. Recognize people who are no good for you and run away. Learn from past traumas but don't let them cloud your mind.
Something good that happened to me today: squirted
A compliment I would give myself today: calm about things not working out
3 positive feelings: amusement at the dictation, confidence standing up for myself, supported by chief
I made someone else feel good when I: sent dog video
I had a negative thought about myself: I'm not worth his time
A different thought I can have next time: I don't want to be with someone who doesn't make time for me
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: confirm plans
Something good that happened to me today: easy morning
A compliment I would give myself today: nice to techs
3 positive feelings: grateful for parents, excitement to go to Korea, nostalgia for kale salad
I made someone else feel good when I: said I'd be willing to sleep on floor
I had a negative thought about myself: I could never have a baby
A different thought I can have next time: No point in worrying about things I don't have to do yet
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: confirm plans
Something good that happened to me today: had surprise food so I didn't have to order or go grocery shopping
A compliment I would give myself today: did not mountain a mole hill
3 positive feelings: amusement at game, enthusiasm about wine, attraction
I made someone else feel good when I: texted thanks, complimented apartment
I had a negative thought about myself: People don't like me
A different thought I can have next time: I can't know what people think, just because they want to be around each other more doesn't mean they don't want to be around me
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep asap
Something good that happened to me today: space cleared and I could see the stage
A compliment I would give myself today: felt feelings
3 positive feelings: joy from dancing, comforted when cried, complimented by a 24 yr old
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented photo taking abilities
I had a negative thought about myself: I can't say I miss you on command
A different thought I can have next time: Who are you to command me
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep asap
Something good that happened to me today: free snacks
A compliment I would give myself today: able to talk about past without heartache
3 positive feelings: excitement for Greek wines, flattered by reaction to photos, enjoyment hanging out with friend
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented getting a case
I had a negative thought about myself: I am insensitive
A different thought I can have next time: He's too busy to answer my text
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: pre-hydrate?
Something good that happened to me today: surprise free lunch
A compliment I would give myself today: fast reader
3 positive feelings: confidence in my reads, passionate about resident rights, interest in Greek wines
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented them taking a case
I had a negative thought about myself: I ate too much
A different thought I can have next time: Hunger and appetite ebb and flow, too much is relative
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep early
Something good that happened to me today: surprise tag-along to social event
A compliment I would give myself today: inclusive
3 positive feelings: excitement about vacation planning, interested in Greek wines, appreciation for friends
I made someone else feel good when I: told them they were wanted
I had a negative thought about myself: I take off my clothes in front of inappropriate people
A different thought I can have next time: I don't have body dysmorphia or sexual hang-ups about bodies
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: pack tea bag
Something good that happened to me today: surprise pilates
A compliment I would give myself today: strong glutes
3 positive feelings: confidence walking out of a shitty lecture, pride in reading fast at a shitty station, relief that call is halfway done
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented their photographs
I had a negative thought about myself: I am incapable of staying with someone who is sick
A different thought I can have next time: I would do it given the right person and right circumstances
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: sleep early
Something good that happened to me today: overlapped call with Z
A compliment I would give myself today: fast reader
3 positive feelings: confidence calling out attending, satisfaction with a cleared list, amusement about a photo
I made someone else feel good when I: helped clear list before my shift
I had a negative thought about myself: I am just a check list
A different thought I can have next time: A secure base means there's a possibility for something more
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: dinner plans
Something good that happened to me today: got complimented by Ligz
A compliment I would give myself today: good teacher
3 positive feelings: pride in myself for teaching/getting cases, excited when stranger asks for my number, joy from dancing
I made someone else feel good when I: complimented them on taking a case well
I had a negative thought about myself: I’m cowardly about not moving to Louisiana/red states to change things.
A different thought I can have next time: I’m protecting myself, probably can’t change something so big.
Something I can do to make tomorrow a good day: take Trazadone/sleep as much as possible/stay up late as possible
I often worry that my partner will stop loving me. A
I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner. B
I fear that once someone gets to know the real me s/he won't like who I am. A
When I'm not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious and incomplete. A
I find it difficult to emotionally support my partner when s/he is feeling down. C
When my partner is away, I'm afraid that s/he might become interested in someone else. A
My independence is more important to me than my relationships. C
When I show my partner how I feel, I'm afraid s/he will not feel the same about me. A
I think about my relationships a lot. A
I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners. C
I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner. A
I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why. C
I am very sensitive to my partner's moods. A
I believe most people are essentially honest and dependable. B
I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person. C
I'm comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with my partner. B
I worry that if my partner leaves me I might never find someone else. A
It makes me nervous when my partner gets too close. C
During a conflict, I tend to impulsively do or say things I later regret, rather than be able to reason about things. A
I miss my partner when we're apart, but then when we're together I feel the need to escape. C
When I disagree with someone, I feel comfortable expressing my opinions. B
I hate feeling that other people depend on me. C
If I notice that someone I'm interested in is checking out other people, I don't let it faze me. I might feel a pang of jealous, but it's fleeting. B
If I notice that someone I'm interested in is checking out other people, I feel relieved--it means s/he's not looking to make things exclusive. C
If someone I've been dating begins to act cold and distant, I'll worry that I've done something wrong. A
If my partner was to break up with me, I'd try my best to show her/him what s/he is missing (a little jealousy can't hurt). A
If someone I've been dating for several months tells me s/he wants to stop seeing me, I'd feel hurt at first, but I'd get over it. B
Sometimes when I get what I want in a relationship, I'm not sure what I want anymore. C
I won't have much of a problem staying in touch with my ex (strictly platonic)--after all, we have a lot in common. B
1 not true, 2 moderately true, 3 very true
A: 2+2+1+2+2+1+1+1+1+2+2=17 LOW
B: 3+2+2+1+3+3+2+3+1+2+1=23 HIGH
C: 2+2+2+2+1+1+1+2+1+2+2=18 MODERATE
A: 2+2+2+2+1+3+2+2+2+1+2=21 MODERATE
B: 2+3+1+2+2+3+1+1+2+2+1=20 MODERATE
C: 2+3+3+1+2+2+3+3+3+3+1=26 HIGH
I am an inherently anxious attachment-type, who has learned deactivating behavior from avoidant-type partners and now uses that as protest behaviors, ways to prove to myself that I am not an anxious-type, to elicit activating behavior from anxious-type partners.
Alternatively, everyone is on a spectrum, and I am relatively anxious or avoidant depending on the other person in the relationship.
My most drug-like relationships were anxious-avoidant relationships. These had cycles. These were the ones the hardest to get over. These were the ones where I felt like I was crazy.
I activate when I get jealous. I deactivate when they get jealous. I activate when I feel like I'm losing control over other aspects of my life. I deactivate in the middle of night/early morning when they are asleep, or is this activating because I want them to chase me? I deactivate when they cry. I activate after sex sometimes, but when, and deactivate to protect myself. I activate when they're around people I don't trust that they trust. I deactivate when I'm tired. I activate when I've had a bad dream. I deactivate when I'm stressed.
The only secure partner I've had is Seamus. Dan sometimes. Reassurance during activation. No ego involved. Or it's all ego? Oona and the logician.
I think I learned avoidance while I was with Nick. What would my life have been like if I'd taken that time instead to learn to be secure? No roadmaps then.
In protest, I accuse them of lying. In withdrawal, I pack my things and leave in the middle of the night.
